Our Malay language can be quite colourful.  If you do not suffer any injury you would not know what pain is like.  So far I have used up a huge sum of our savings to keep me going and I am lucky to manage to keep my cancer under control.  I do not complain or whine about the pain I have to endure or the mental torture that's going inside me.  I look as normal as possible in front of relatives and friends/neighbors, so much so people thought I have recovered.  Everybody said I look good! Yes everybody looks good but you would not know what's "boiling" inside them.

Don't quit

 This is my experience.  Life with cancer is not a bed of roses but a bag full of pain and misery.  Every treatment/medication has side effects.  Some slight and manageable but some can be extreme and unimaginable to ordinary people (non-cancer).  I always tell myself that nothing can scare me now after my tolerance level has been tested to the full limit.  

Fear.  This is something all cancer patients have to face.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of your cancer spreading and fear of damage to other parts of your body.  Every now and then fear will make you worry to death.  

But I do not give up.  Tomorrow will be a better day (sometimes I am not that sure).

Chemotherapy

 I had my chemo in 2019.  Six months of torture for me.  Every three weeks one cycle and double the dosage.  After each chemo I needed 10 days to recover from the terrible side effect.  

After each chemo it is not possible to have much sleep for 3 nights.  Diarrhea and vomiting plus a range of other side effects really drain all my energy.  My worst nightmare.  After finishing my 5th chemo I was a total wreck and I almost could not make it to my 6th.  The oncologist had to cancel further chemo after my 6th  as I was more like a zombie then a patient.  Life without cancer - a wonderful life!

OMG

 Last week had my usual check up.  My PSA is up again.  It seem to be going up the last few months.  Although I am on enzalutamide (Xtandi) I did not take the prescribed dosage as I could not stand the extreme painful side effect.  The oncologist decided to change to abiraterone acetate for one month to see the effect.  Also change is my eligard injection which was changed to lucrin (these are androgen deprivation therapy medication).

These medications are very expensive in Malaysia as they are imported from USA.  I am devastated by my high medical costs just to stay alive.