Despair

 

 As I've mentioned before my mood swing can be bad at times.  Sometimes when I hit rock bottom everything seem hopeless.  I really hate all the medication I have to take to keep me going.  My mental state has been taxed beyond the limit and the worst part is I cannot open up to anybody as it can cause anxiety and worry to people near me.  I don't know how much more I can take.

Hang in there

 Yes, hang on and hang in there, don't give up.  My PSA, instead of free fall it is on the way up high.  The latest result - 180.  Requested my oncologist to change the steroid which I am taking with abiraterone, prednisone.  The new steroid I am now taking is dexamethasone.  I have been looking for answers on why my PSA is on the way up while I am on abiraterone+prednisone and this is what I've found: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30099821/ (the change of steroid might help to stabilize the PSA)  

I do not know how's the reaction of others taking the full course (4 tablets) of abiraterone but I could not take it as my body ache is very bad.  My spine, ribs and pelvic bones hurt so much you become miserable the whole day.  To manage the pain I took oxynorm (oxycodone 5mg) morning and night but could not help much.  The oncologist then changed to targin (oxycodone 10mg) which seems to help a lot.  

Why me, why me, why me.

My 5th year of cancer

 

 The past few years I felt more energetic, more active and more positive.  Especially last year I really feel good as all my test result and CT scan came back with good news.  But this year is different.  My PSA keep going up and now my fingers are numbed and have no strength - sarcopenia (I think).  My spinal cord and ribs ache so much I could not sleep, swim and do my usual morning exercise.  Feels like I am going downhill.

 

Abiraterone Acetate

 After a year on enzalutamide (Xtandi) I cannot control my PSA which keeps going up to more than 100 points.  I cannot take the full course which should be 4 tablets a day as even when I tried to take 3 tablets a day I suffered extreme body ache.  Now I changed to abiraterone plus prednisone (steroid).  

I started with 3 tablets on my 1st bottle.  Now I am on to my 2nd bottle and I am going full course, that is, 4 tablets a day.  I will be having my blood test early next month and I hope to see better result.

In order to save costs I am taking generic product and purchased online.  This way I saved 50% of the cost.

 Our Malay language can be quite colourful.  If you do not suffer any injury you would not know what pain is like.  So far I have used up a huge sum of our savings to keep me going and I am lucky to manage to keep my cancer under control.  I do not complain or whine about the pain I have to endure or the mental torture that's going inside me.  I look as normal as possible in front of relatives and friends/neighbors, so much so people thought I have recovered.  Everybody said I look good! Yes everybody looks good but you would not know what's "boiling" inside them.

Don't quit

 This is my experience.  Life with cancer is not a bed of roses but a bag full of pain and misery.  Every treatment/medication has side effects.  Some slight and manageable but some can be extreme and unimaginable to ordinary people (non-cancer).  I always tell myself that nothing can scare me now after my tolerance level has been tested to the full limit.  

Fear.  This is something all cancer patients have to face.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of your cancer spreading and fear of damage to other parts of your body.  Every now and then fear will make you worry to death.  

But I do not give up.  Tomorrow will be a better day (sometimes I am not that sure).